Diwali Ya Diwala?

You got it right. I hate Diwali. Of course, I am a self respecting Indian, Hindu etc etc. but I abhor this so called festival of lights. It's more like the festival of smoke and explosions, methinks.

There are various reasons why they celebrate this festival - in the northern parts of this country, they say that Lord Rama came home after fourteen long years of exile with his wife Sita - to celebrate his return, the people of Ayodhya lit the city up with lights - diyas and deepams. Beautiful, that sight must have been, if you ask me. I adore diyas, little clay lamps with oil and a bright flame dancing on the wick, often set on rangolis, those floor designs with colours that liven them up.

In the south, primarily in Tamil Nadu, they celebrate the slaying of the demon Narakasura by Lord Krishna with lamps. Diwali also marks the beginning of the winters. My grandma says that the real reason why they light all those lamps at this time is to kill insects. Apparently, a lot of swallows and other insects are born in the season of receding monsoons and become quite a menace - come Diwali, we light lamps and these insects get attracted to the flame and hurl themselves, in a final act of impulse, straight into the flames. Dead. I love my grandma's stories.

Somewhere down the line, some idiot invented fire crackers - don't get me entirely wrong now. I love those chakkars and anaars (fountain...?) and those phuljharis etc. They are fun, look pretty, mostly noiseless too. I also adore those fireworks in the sky and I can look at those for hours.

But fire crackers...those inanely useless bombs, Lakshmi bombs and Gorilla bombs and the likes, just what use are they? Narakasura is dead so the sound isn't going to kill him. Lord Rama would go scuttling back into his quiet and peaceful exile in the forest if he heard one of those bombs explode. And no insect is dying to high decibel levels I am sure - I don't think they can hear either - blissfully deaf.

So what purpose are those bombs serving? They are heart-wrenchingly, ear-splittingly, nerve-wrackingly painful when they set off and I am sure if I were old and suffering from hypertension or heart disease or one of those things, I would by now be on my way to heaven or hell or wherever it is that we go to when we die.

I hope those monstrosities are officially banned - they contribute to sound pollution, they can make you go deaf too, and by the way, they almost shattered my window with the impact.

Which is why, I have a new agenda. Every Diwali, I will travel to either Jammu & Kashmir, North East of India or Kerala. Apparently, these places aren't big on celebrating Diwali and while other parts of my nation spend time welcoming Rama and worshipping Krishna and killing monsoon flies, I can go grab my share of peace and quiet and come back once the pandemonium passes.